Surrender to win

And then my tutor turns in to a jerk and I have a break down, and there is entirely too much drama all around. There's the drawback, for me, of being in touch with my submissive side. I get all touchy-feely and can't handle rejection and thinks everything is my fault.

But then again, I always do that.

We kind of worked it out. I got pissed off and called him on it (kind of), he more or less admitted to shutting me off and being narky, and now it's all settled, I think. And again, this submissivethingy - it's not about him. It's about me daring to let down my defences and acknowledging who I really am. If I don't do that, if I protect myself by pretending to be big and bad and invincible, I feel like crap in the long run.

My Mistress is my anchor in this. I come home to her every night, and get reminded of who I am and I who I want to be. Usually about bedtime this week (earlier other weeks with less drama) I have settled down enough to be soft and feel like I belong to her again, and have somehow found my balance. There's a place inside myself I have to stand at, I have to be at, to be okay. To be happy and calm and content. If I can find that place, than everything is good. If I can't, I'm screwed. Yesterday evening, finally I found it again. Hopefully, I'll be able to stay there the coming week, and not be completely pushed off-center again.

I like to be balanced. For me, balanced meens submissive. For me, it means meek, it means yielding, it means free of defences. In some ways that makes me incredibly delicate - but in others, it makes me invulnerable.