"Internship-brain" a friend called it the other day, when I complained about not being able to sleep, and wanting to shut my brain off. It's supposed to go away when I'm a qualified psychologist and have a real job. That's reassuring, and she should know, she finished the program years ago and has been working since.
But for now, my brain wont shut down. It just keeps spinning. I've been thinking a lot about myself, about how I handle things, how I have handled things in the past, and how I want to do it. What I want with this education, what I want in my future working life. And specifically, what's going on at my present workplace, how I'm being treated and what people think about me.
I get a lot of positive feedback. My tutor has, in direct and indirect ways, said that I'm smart, that I'm experienced, that I will probably do well when I've finished university and start working, that I do a good job. He seems to like me. And, also, sometimes I seem to baffle him. And I know why, I know what it is that baffles him.
I'm a submissive. I always have been, I think. I know I've had masochistic fantasies since I was five. I know I've been drawn to authority figures, both male and female, all my childhood. I want to submit, I want to follow. That's just how I tick.
A long, long time I've been embarassed about that. I've been ashamed, and I have tried to hide it. I'm not supposed to function like this. I'm supposed to want to decide everything by myself, to want to lead, to fight for power. I come off as strong, independent, capable, and I am all those thing - too. But it's not all that I am.
I figured this out relationshipwise in my early twenties. But it's not until right now I feel okay with the idea that the same principles apply to my work life. Since I'm smart and hardworking and not a cute girlygirl, and outspoken and charming, I'm somehow always assumed to be a leadertype. And that's the safe way. That's the way to get more money, to be popular, to be safe and not picked on. A combination of expectations and fear have made me live up to that image of myself in most cases up until now.
But it's not really me. It's not how I want to live, it's not how I function best, it's not what makes me happy. I like to be a lieutenant. I like to be a second-in-command, supporting and advising the leader. I like to perform specific tasks and get feedback afterwards. I like to find someone I deem worthy of my loyalty and then be loyal and follow that person.
It has very rarely worked out well. But the few times it has, as with my Mistress, it has been great. And I think that to be happy and productive proffesionally I need to know this about myself, and accept it. In some instances it will be a flaw, a weak spot I need to work around and be careful about. In other cases, if I'm lucky, it will be an asset to treasure. That will depend on the situation, on the people around me, on what is asked of me, and on whether or not I find someone I want to follow, and on whether or not that person appreciates me. I think the real trick will be to seek out persons and places where my personality will be an asset, and stay away from the situations where it's a weakness. And also, forgive myself and love myself either way.
And right now, I'm perfectly happy following my tutor around. I defer to him, I'm loyal to him (as in, I don't talk about him with other colleagues, I take his side in arguments, I don't openly disagree with him in company, stuff like that). I'm visibly happy when he praise me, I very openly asks for direction and instruction, and I'm conscientious in doing the tasks he sets me. When we walk in the corridors (which we do a lot - big hospital, everything is spread out) I usually walk a step behind him. In short, I'm actually very submissive in my behaviour, in a way I don't think I would have dared to, or been comfortable with, a few years ago. Now it feels natural, and right, to me. Because I like that position. Because that's who I am.
And I'm allowed to be that way. I don't have to feel ashamed, or try to change, or try to hide who I am. I'm not in anybodys way, it doesn't look odd or anything. I just relax and do things the way I want to do them, because that's the easiest way to me.
So, my poor, unsuspicious tutor has a very loyal follower on his hands, who shows an unnerving tendency to follow orders and look to him for instructions. I don't think that was what he expected, and especially not from me. He seems to like it, I think, even though it confuses him, but I don't think he can get his head around it. Because I'm smart, I'm married and has a daughter, Ive got a lot of job experience, I'm not that much younger than him and I'm not the least bit shy or timid and very verbal and outspoken. The thing is that I can be all those things and still be submissive. It's just not expected.
But I think he has caught on, eventually. And I think he thinks it's kind of funny, at least when he doesn't look all confused. Then again, I don't think he gives much thought to his interns paradoxic behaviour, since he has a lot on his plate already (with being fired and all...). It really doesn't matter anyway. He doesn't have to care. I'm just happy that I know who I am, and that I'm okey with that.
No comments:
Post a Comment