I hadn't realised there where so much D/s in CBT. Or well, yes of course, in that kind of CBT. But not in the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy kind. And then someone does it to me, or that's how I feel, and I realise that well, yes, there is power here. Interpersonal power. Or can be, anyway.
Because it's all about doing stuff you don't want to do. About submitting to the thing you're most afraid of and letting it happen. Or at least to stop preventing it from happen, and see what happens next.
I kind of had a breakdown at work yesterday. It ended up with me crying in the hallway, before I could get myself together enough so that I could go back in to the office and tell my tutor that "hey, this isn't working for me, we need to change a few things". And he's great. He took me and a notepad to an empty room, and we sat down and listed the things I need to feel secure at work, at least enough to not break down crying in a corridor. Things like a key to the office, some idea of what is going to happen next, and something meaningful to do when I don't traipse after him like a shadow... I got all that, or am going to get it next week.
And then, this afternoon, we had the most awkward and embarassing tutorial ever. (Ok, it was only the second one - they might get worse.) I so didn't like sitting alone with him and discussing why I broke down and cried at work. I want to be effective, intelligent, mature - and well, I wasn't right then. He took some of the blame, and a lot of it is purely practical circumstances, but we also discussed what it is in me that makes this sort of situation stressfull. What it triggers in me, and how I could handle it.
Or at least we touched upon it. We didn't go into any detail, simply agreed upon that yes, it's something I can work on, and that this term is a good time and place to start. He asked a little about what I get stressed about and how I know when I'm stressed, and things like that. It was interesting, but I was actually acutely embarassed.
One of the things we talked about, or that I mentioned, was that my worry is a social worry. A worry about not being liked, about not being good enough. And that he's key to that, in this situation, because he's my tutor, he's the one I'm following around all day, he's the on who is actually going to give me a pass or a fail at the end of the term. It's him I want to please. So when we talked about me testing my fears and trying different ways to handle situation, I said something like "only if you still like me when I do it", or maybe "I hope that you'll still like me". Something embarassing like that. And he looked at me and said "well, that's what you'll find out."
Yeah. Great. Thanks a bunch. Because that feels safe and encouraging...
And yes, I know that's the point, I know that was ecactly what we were talking about. And I realise that's exactly the thing I have to try, that's the fear I have to expose myself to. But still.
He did add that I do know the answer to the question, but that he wasn't going to say it. And I realise that means the answer is "yes of course". But it's kind of part of my problem that I have a hard time believing it when he doesn't actually say it.
This is obviously what you get for having a psychologist as a boss.
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