I went to a lecture/workshop-thingy last week, I've been meaning to blog about it but not gotten around to it yet. Not really sure what to write anyway. The subject was "24/7 D/s from a non-sexual perspective". Not to mean that it's about asexual power exchange relationships, but about discussing the aspects of the dynamic that isn't about the sexual side of things.
So far so good. Since this was a regular work night and it was an hours drive to get there, I was a bit wary, however. I couldn't help but have misgivings about getting there and then spending my whole night becoming aggravated about people saying stupid things that would imply that me and my relationship doesn't exist. In that case, I would rather sit at home and cuddle with Mistress.
I'm perfectly okay with a speaker directing his or her focus on something that isn't relevant for me - but there's a real risk at these sort of occassions that I'll be told I'm not even real. That, for example, it's imperative to have a safe word, for everyone, or that it's really the submissive person in the relationship that actually has the power. Or that of course anyone can leave whenever they want. And so on. I even wrote a question to the organisers to have my fears laid to rest, which I got. And then I felt kind of silly. Maybe I was overreacting, or have been to tainted by Fetlife.
But honestly I don't think so. I've been to workshops and classes before. And there's a Swedish BDSM-community too, pre-dating Fetlife quite a bit, and there's the same discourse there. And of course everyone can discuss what they like - I'm just not always up for listening to it.
Anyway, the actual lecture didn't even touch upon my sensitive spots, so in the end it was much ado about nothing. The speaker, a middle aged man who was the dominant one in his relationship and had his young girlfriend there with him, had an idea about how D/s-relationship is built up, which was an okay and at times interesting construct.
Unfortunately he choose to introduce the whole topic with a comparison with his view of vanilla relationship structures, which was a bit bad taste partly because his first words had been about how he never had been in one, and also because it was so clearly an attempt at "oh, look, over there is 'them' and we do it better!". And not the least because he pointed out getting kids and having joint economy as hallmarks of vanilla relationships, completely overlooking the fact that kids might be relevant for people in power exchange too.
Oh, and yes, he read an essay aloud about the norms regarding vanilla dating, continuously interpreting the patriarchal norms that makes the men into the subject and the active party in the mating ritual in a light as if that meant it was the women who had the power "because she just stands there, she is the one who accepts or rejects". Yeah.
My friend I. very promptly brought forward the concept of "slut shaming" and explained the norms that restricts women's choices and actions. The reason women doesn't usually ask a man out isn't because she holds the power - it's because if she does, she has immediately excluded herself from the cathegory "respectable women" and instead become a slut, a whore, not suitable for dating anyway (but possibly suitable for rape). It is about power - but the other way around.
This rather unfortunate example of cluelessness made the first 20 minutes of the evening a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable, but it did get better. As soon as the topic changed from Gender Issues 101 and vanilla-bashing, and he started to present his actual theory, it became a bit more interesting (and a lot less cringe-worthy).
The idea, in it's simplest form, was that D/s-relationships stand on four baseic building blocks- identifying needs and wants, "the magic", communication and trust. On that base, it is possible to add other blocks, like rituals, disciplin, rules, kinky sex, lust, order, service and so on. Possible, but not necessary (which I think makes a good point - especially after what a child ridden waste land the last years have been when it comes to the BDSM part of me and Mistress...) And on top of that comes what the lecturer choose to call life goals, but I would rather describe in my own mind as "valued direction". Not goals as such, but more important things one might want to strive for in life. Becoming a better person in specific ways, living a meaningful life, those sorts of things.
And well, yes, so far so good. I actually think there is some merit to this idea. I'm pretty sure most of it has been said before in one way or another, but collecting knowledge and presenting it in a cohesive way is important in it's on right.
Is the basis for all power exchange relationships identifying needs and wants, "magic", communication and trust?
I don't know. Maybe. I agree that it's all important things. A problem I see with this model though is that it was described as the basis that is layed down in the beginning, and then it's done. You need to have it there, but it was kind of put as if once it was established, you could go on to other things.
But honestly, me and Mistress has been openly in love since 2003 and married for almost six years now, and we're still constantly circling back to those things. It's in no way a done deal or a basis for our relationship we can always rely on. We rekindle the magic every week, blowing on the embers and trying to get a flame going. We're constantly exploring our needs and wants and trying to, and at times failing to, communicate with each other. And in all honestly -trust is the biggest issue for us, all the time.
Do you really want me? I think every argument or fight we've ever had has had that as the basis, the note that is always carried through every hurtful word and every angry stare. "Do you really want me? Am I really good enough for you? Really, really? Can I trust you not to find me to lacking and abandoning me?"
But the idea that the middle block of rituals and rules and hot steamy sex is optional and can be removed without necessarily damaging the foundation - I liked that. It was an image that resonates with my experience. The actual relationship is there, whether we have time to act on the power imbalance or not. Sometimes the fancy stuff simply can't be fitted in - that doesn't mean we're not we any more. We're just a bit more boring.
I love high protocol. I love orders and rituals. I hope to have a lot of those things in my life over time. But maybe not right now, when we're building a family. We have a long life ahead of us. There'll be plenty of time for Mistress to teach me fancy slave positions.
And the importance of valued direction I liked to. In a way I think that was a big part of what was lacking for me in my former relationship. That, and of course that I was in love with Mistress... But if I look only at me and my ex and accept the fact that it wouldn't have worked out anyway (because I really don't think it would have) I think the fact that my life was put on hold was an important aspect for me.
I wasn't happy with him, in the sense that the life we led didn't make me happy. I loved him, but living with him made me miserable. We were poor. I worked a lot, mostly night shift, and he was in charge of the money but spent them on junk food, his Coca-Cola-addiction and technical gadgets. I was constantly stressed out about money, at the same time that I actually worked and made a decent salary. We ate junk, and I gained tons of weight. Stress, night job and junk food combined with no exercise whatsoever because of lack of money, time and opportunities made horrible things with my health.
At it's worse, I weighed over 100 kg. I eventually rectified that, on my own and with the support of Mistress, when we were still in the poly-tryad, but he never helped or did anything to make it easier for me.
I had a job without prospects. I had no direction in life. And he made it clear that when he was done with med-school I was supposed to go where he got a job, no matter where that was, and that if we ever got a kid, he had no plans to share parenting equally or sacrifice his career for his kids. None of that was okay with me or my values or my goals in life.
With Mistress, we have so many plans. Before her, my future was blank to me, empty and black. Now - we have tons of dreams and plans. Living with her has made me secure enough to dare to voice my desire to write fiction. She encourages me to take the time to do that. She's supported me, emotionally and financially, through the whole of my university education. She made me get my drivers license. She got me a dog. And a kid. We're living a life, we're going forward, we share dreams and hopes and plans.
We have shared values, and I do think that is super important. Not only that I get to move towards things that are intrinsically valuable to me, but that she is aware of what is valuable to her in her life, and that our values match. I don't think this really has anything to do with the power dynamic between us - but it do have a lot to do with us being able to live happily ever after together.
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