Hurtful memories

I read through some of my earlier posts yesterday, the perks of being home alone all day. I also get why I don't write stuff when I'm busy - I need to wind down and rest before I can access that part of me, the writing and thinking part. Obviously, work takes up huge amount of my focus and energy (that might be why 1) it's called work and 2) I get paid to do it...).

I had assumed I wouldn't have been writing all that much during 2012, the year I got sick and exhausted. But I did actually, I think that might have been the year I wrote most frequently. And I think it's all there, hidden between the lines. I didn't see what was going on, I didn't yet know what was coming. But I knew I was suffering and I was working so hard to get by, to solve problems, to make things work. Now, in hind sight, I can almost feel the desperation and the self blame radiating off the computer when I read the entries.

I started to cry when I'd gotten to around March or something, and stopped reading. Honestly, I don't want to know. At least not right now, not yet. I'm sure I'll be glad to have it written down in the future. For now, it still hurts.

Home alone

I'm home alone all day, little S is at a day camp and Mistress is working. So far I've gotten involved in some heated internet debate about subsidised day care, and gotten all wound up in a way I know Mistress wouldn't approve of. So I'm trying to quit it for the day. I've finally made a fire in the kitchen range, and made some coffee.

And yeah, that's about it. It's after ten in the morning, and so far I've had a great day off. I will put some real clothes on any time now. I'm sure of it.

Life by the woods

We had a lovely day today. Both at home, little S at day camp petting horses and bunnies. We put up some shelves and curtains, and took a walk in our woods. Had lunch in front of the teve, and then some spanking and sex. I was pretty much spent after that and haven't done much of anything afterwards. Mistress went to get little S, they're getting sushi dinner at a shopping mall and I'm supposed to go get something for myself about now. I'll do that, anytime now.

We have woods. We took a walk together in our woods. That we own. It's marvellous, amazing. We've lived here for two months now, but this was actually the first time we had the opportunity to explore together. It's not like we've bought all that much, it took us about 45 minutes to go around the perimeter of the woods We have some fields too, and a big outhouse. There will be horses there, eventually, and chickens and maybe sheep. Or miniature cows, who knows, it might happen. For now, it's still empty.

We have this beautiful big timber two storey house, with tile stoves and a huge kitchen range. We've bought another car, and we have to drive little S twenty minutes to her school, and I have ten minutes drive to the train station and then about twenty more minutes to work. If we run out of milk we have to take our coffee black, and when we realised to our horror that we had run out of coffee before guests arrived we had to text them and ask them to buy some on the way, because a round trip to the store takes about an hour all in all. It's not all that convenient.

But it's beautiful and it's quiet and even when we had a whole family with little kids staying the night it didn't seem crowded. We have neighbours, the house is in the center of an old farm village, but we can't hear them and there's almost no cars going past. We here the neighbours' chickens, and cows and horses, and sometimes the ravens talking about raven things across the fields. And the wind in the birches. But that's about it.

I think we'll be happy here.

The house.

View from the balcony.