Surrendering

We role-played yesterday. It's kind of funny, that it's the same word, but I'm really not meaning in the bedroom-sexy variety. We actually do very little role-play in the bedroom. Instead it was table-top role-playing, a rather new game called "Heroic Role-Playing", depicting the X-men 'verse.

All the characters are teenage mutants (though not ninja turtles) and have recently discovered their abilities and are now training at the "Xaviers' Institute of Higher Learning". In short, we play superhero wannabees, sitting around our friends living room table, eating big amounts of candy and laughing a lot. A role-playing fan fiction, one might say.

My character is a stereotypical cheerleader from North Cal, blonde with big boobs who likes skinny dipping and sleeping in peoples laps. She also turns in to a feral cat-like creature whenever she gets upset or angry.

This time the game actually did touch upon one of my kinks, though. My character, like all the others for that matter, struggles with controlling her power, and hers is mostly troublesome when in the same room as Wolverine. That character is a teacher at the school, so breaking out in claws and snarling every time he entered a room was becoming a problem. Also, she almost ripped the head off a random guy who was groping her at a night club.

The game master decided to resolve the issue by letting Wolvering lock himself in a room together with my character Cas, and attack her. Cas flew at him, and well, one can say we tried out the gaming system and practised the fighting-by-rolling-dices. Of course, my character got her butt royally kicked, not the least because Wolverine has rejuvenating powers and healed every injury immediately while Cas has a very human tendency to bruise and get exhausted. Eventually she was laying panting on the floor, gave up and her claws retracted. Problem solved by fisticuffs.

Now, let's not analyse this scene from a feminist perspective, because from that point of view, it's horrible. The woman who can't control herself, and need a stronger man to control her? Yeah, we've heard it before. But I can't help it. I like this scenario. It might even be called a theme of mine.

I love the idea of being forced to surrender. I love the insecurity in a power struggle, the idea of trying to hold my own and failing, and especially to someone who is "good", someone who doesn't really want to injure, just conquer. Having someone else take control, and keep control, by force of will or physical strength is... a good feeling.

I like submitting too. I like giving myself over. I like the real deal of a mutual relationship were every ones' needs are met and I'm respected as a person. I think I need that in real life. But in Fantasyland? I'm being held captive and wrestled to the ground, or stared down by a will stronger than my own. In Fantasyland, I'm freed from responsibility and choice, and I don't have to defeat my own inner turmoil and ambivalence, because someone stronger than me does it for me.

Of course, the problem is that most people who can do that is not people I really want should do that, because it's not safe. Nor does most people care to do it, because it's a hell of a lot of work. I like the idea of being forced to surrender to authority. The problem is that "authority" usually doesn't give a damn about me, and wouldn't want me afterwards.

One of the reasons I live a happier life now than ten years ago or so, is the security that comes with being owned. I've already been conquered. Our relationship isn't in the unsure, power-struggle phase of conquering and surrender, we're way past that. And while it would be nice to experience that excitement again, it was also a lot of angst and drama and arguing and crying and doubts, out here in real life with real people, and that I don't miss. What we have now, though, gives me a security and safety that means I don't have to defend myself all the time from authority. Also, it's a lot easier for other people to show me who's boss and let me know I'm not in charge, when I'm not fighting tooth and nail, with every available mean, to prove them wrong.

But that scenario, that little peace of interaction, always resonates within me. I seek it out when I can, and I enjoy it, even if it's just a game and a fantasy. It's not sexual as such, it's more... intriguing. It feels good, and fun, and a little tingly. It's not masturbation fodder, but I keep going over it in my mind, and it makes me feel good.

I don't think the tension and the dynamic went by unnoticed by the rest of the gang either. It was quite obvious that there was going to be a showdown, and I got the impression that everybody wanted that played out. And in the middle of the scene, while I and the game-master was story-telling what our respective characters was doing, one of my friends shoves her phone in my face and says. "Remember that it's this guy we're talking about!"

Yeah. Well... maybe a little masturbation fodder. Just a little bit. Hot damn!