Spanking new and shiny

She's home now, and the moment I saw her it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders, and as if someone clubbed me in the head at the same time. Intense relief and killing fatigue. She's home. I'm not alone anymore.

I tend to liken myself to dogs occasionally, and when she's away that's even more apt than usual. Because I really act like a dog whose owner went out and the dog walks from window to window, restlessly checking everything, not settling down, not eating, just walking and waiting and checking everything out incessantly. Until the owner comes home and the dog collapses in an exhausted pile of fur on the carpet and sleeps for twelve hours straight.

To lessen my anxiety I actually made something for her while she was away. That speaks volumes of my increased health, that I don't have to use all my energy just to manage the bare necessities, I can do a little more than that. So I got inspired and turned one of our kitchen implements, a wooden spatula, into a spanking thingy.

I drilled six holes in it, sandpapered it and then applied black shiny varnish. I screwed up and used too much varnish the first time around so I had to sandpaper it all off and re-apply it, which was a bit of a hassle since it took ten hours to dry and needed two layers. But I got it done in time, and it felt really good to do something. To create something with my hands, and to work with wood, which is my favourite material. 

She tried it out a little on me yesterday, and declared that I was so going to regret making it. I think she's right, in the best way possible.

They haven't called me back about the job, and I'm thinking that means they picked someone else. Part of me feel horrible about that, but I think I'll manage. It's a bit unsettling having no idea what my immediate future will look like, but it's okay. I'm in a good spot - I would love to be able to move forward with our plans and our lifes, but it's okay to just be here too.

Even though I almost started to cry this morning when little S and I played house and she made me the mommy of two dolls, stating they where her little twin sisters. I want babies! I want her to have siblings for real. Or sibling, since I don't imagine I'm going to be pregnant more than one more time in life. But I want that time, I want another baby. (Twins would be good, though. I'd love twins. Too bad Nature doesn't take requests.)

And the job is connected to the having babies-thing, because it would make a lot of sense economically and career-wise for me to work for a while so that I can become a licensed psychologist before I take time off to be a mom again. I'll probably be in an even worse spot looking for work if there's three or four years between getting the exam and my first job. I've heard employers frown upon that kind of gap in one's resumé. Also, I'm a bit afraid that if I don't get that done now, maybe I never will, and then I will never be a psychologist, not really, and would have worked my butt (and my sanity) off for seven years for nothing. That would sting a bit.

I want to do this. I want to get a job and work as a psychologist. If I don't get a position anytime soon, though, we might have to move for me to be able to do that, and meh. That's not something I'm looking forward to.