Jinglebells, jinglebells

When we woke up this morning there was a snow storm outside. It has continued all day. Mistress took little S on her back in the ergo carrier and skiied to the pre-school. For real. I'm so in awe of her. I've been telling people about that all day in school and everybody has been duly impressed.

I mean, it makes perfect sense. Biking is out, since there's a half meter of snow everywhere. The car is covered in snow and freezing cold, so that's not practical either. That leaves walking, and why walk when there's a perfectly good pair of skis standing right by the door? So, skiing it was. I'm still impressed though. And she went and got her in the same way in the afternoon. I'm thinking I might volunteer to do it tomorrow morning.

Mistress wont be going to her work tomorrow though, most likely, since it's 1,5 hour with bus on a narrow road that is prone to accidents. I hope she stays home. I'll be going to school, I think, since I have an important seminar after lunch. But I think I'll call ahead and check that the tutor is actually there, and not stuck on a train somewhere. It's an on going joke that the train company acts surprised each year when the snow comes. It's always chaos. And I mean, it snows here every year, shouldn't they know that by now?

It's pretty, though. Cold, but pretty. From inside, I'm all for it.

This is what our neighbourhood looked like as I was going home from the bus station this afternoon.

We might have problems opening the front door in the morning. But since we live on the first floor, we can always jump out a window...

Tired, oh so tired.

I'm so so tired right now. So is Mistress, she didn't get home from work until seven, but she's sitting by the computer right now, doing something important for work.

And I get that it's important. I even know what it is she's doing and I agree that it's a good thing. But I'm worried about her. And about myself. I can't really separate between us, so when she's in a foul mood, I suffer. Not because she intends me to, God no, but because I can't... shield myself. There's nothing in the way between her bad mood and my discomfort.

If she's stressed, I'm stressed. And if I'm stressed, not only do I worry about her, but I can't recuperate on my own either. And if I can't recuperate, my health problems get worse. And then I can do less things for us, and she has more to stress over. And the responsibility not to get stressed, to try to recharge my batteries, to think happy thoughts and not get bogged down in depressive rumination, makes me feel guilty and the only thing that happens is that I get stressed out and feel even guiltier...

Also, when she's grumpy I get scared. I get insecure and shaky and watch her every move, afraid of doing or saying anything wrong. This would probably be easier to fix if it was all down to my insecurities, but unfortunately, we have a long history of bitter arguments, and she's not always predictable.

Right now, though, she doesn't have that tense, far-away look any more, she seems present and calm, and my fears are coming to rest. I'm still dead tired, though.

I just want to sleep. Sometimes I don't want to wake up either, but I work hard not to dwell on that. I know that the world is a beautiful place, really. It's just really hard to remember that when I'm to exhausted.

What I did today that tired me so? Just a normal study day. I had a therapy session, wrote a rapport of that, had lunch with a friend, had a group discussion in preparation of a seminar on Thursday, and then took the bus home, shopping things for dinner on the way home. Just a normal day. It's just that that my brain isn't really normal.

Can someone shut it off now, please?

It's winter now

This morning, it was -23 degrees Celsius. That's freaking cold! It makes me very aware of how fragile we are, how lucky we are to have a warm home, and how dependent we are of that.

Little S. is healthy again, even though right now I hear scary coughs coming from her bedroom. I hope she'll keep on sleeping. It's a bad omen if she comes out of bed this early in the evening - it doesn't bode well for the night to come.

Now Mistress and I will curl up under our warm fleece blanket and watch the telly. And drink tea. A winter type evening, one might say.

Oh, and my butt hurts. There's band aids on it. Good things, all around.