Dec 18, 2012

Everyday life

I wish I had more energy. I want to finish Mistress socks that I'm knitting, instead I just sit here. I'm waiting for her to finish working, but I'm a little afraid to. I'm afraid we'll start arguing, or that I'll disappoint her somehow, or I don't know - I'm probably afraid that she wont feel good and that I wont be able to make it better.

She was really tired and felt yucky this morning. I think we're both very aware of the fact that she's working a lot, she's been a superhero all fall, and really we've both been since I got pregnant. Sometimes I get the distinct feeling that the two of us simply isn't cut out for this life. Not for life in general, mind, just this one. In this society. With the specific demands placed on us, in this time and place.

I'm so worried that she'll end up were I am. Clinically depressed and burnt out. I need her not to be. And I can't help her, and it makes my stomach turn to knots.

But really, other then being tired right now, I've had a good day. My mom came over for dinner, so that Mistress could work late without me being alone with little S and fixing food. It was nice, the best part was that after dinner I actually hung out with them, I didn't retreat to my room and collapsed. I am getting better. I really am.

But then mom offered to take little S on Friday afternoon, and it wasn't until after awhile I realised her offer encompassed me being home alone with little S the whole morning and making lunch to the three of us. That made the offer a lot less tempting. "Oh, but I don't want to pick her up from pre-school, it'll take to long. It's only around three hours you'll be alone with her."

Yeah. I've been alone with little S around one hour tops this fall. I wish that was a reasonable thing to expect from me. But even more I wish that my own mom, that I see every week, would realise that it isn't. It makes me sad, and a little hurt, that she doesn't get it. But she doesn't. And she's 62 - she wont change. She'll never get it. I have no idea why, but for some reason, there is some things that just wont stick. One of them sees to be me not being able to do certain things.

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Mistress actually liked the idea - we planned our Christmas shopping for Friday morning, and it's good for little S to start her Christmas break early. It's all fine. I just still wish I could have a little more tension-free relationship with my mother.

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