Dec 27, 2012

The things I don't want to talk about

This time I'm going to use the blog to write about something Mistress ordered me to write about. Sometimes, written indirect communication is a lot easier than saying things out loud. 

We had a talk the other day, about one of the areas were we function differently. We compliment each other a lot, and often that's a good thing. But in some ways it's problematic, because our basic ways of handling hings are very different.

If I get an idea or if something pops into my head, I act on it pretty immediately. I look it up, I examine it, I get interested and check it out. If it's something fun and doable, I do it. Pronto. If it's not, I drop it and don't think about it again. I'm either on or I'm not, there's no waiting and no in-between.

When Mistress gets an idea or hears about something, she goes "hmm...". She ponders it, I guess, and I also guess it is sorted into some sort of category of "interesting things to explore later". And there it sits, possibly forever. If she gets another impulse later on, it might be taken out and re-examined, perhaps with a little bit more interest, and then put back in the inner filing cabinet again. This can go on for some time, until one day the opportunity is exactly right, the cue comes at the right moment, and she tries whatever it is out. But she can wait for years, even for things she has a positive attitude towards.

If I haven't acted on something for years, or even a few weeks, it's very likely that I'm not into it. I don't have a filing cabinet. I'm a Just-In-Time sort of business.

So sometimes I forget that Mistress isn't like me. I can suggest something, maybe a little embarrassing, maybe a little kinky, and she goes "hmm...". And then I wait. And wait. And wait. And maybe, just maybe, I'll mention it again a little later. And then I wait. But if nothing has happened by then, if she hasn't acted on the idea after a short while, I draw the for me logical conclusion that she hated the idea, that it will never ever happen, and that I made a fool out of myself by nagging her about it. "I'm such a moron". Enter shame and self-loathing.

And then I do my very best to erase that desire from my mind, because obviously it's not something she's into, and very futile for me to be interested in all on my own. But that process makes me grieve a little, and feel bad and a little ashamed of my self.

It's not a good process, and it makes me reluctant to ever mention anything I find interesting, because I feel so stupid when it doesn't happen.

We talked about it, and I hinted that yes, there are things I've mentioned that I would like us to do, but that I can't bring myself to mention again, because I've convinced myself that she doesn't want it anyway and that I make a fool of myself if I admit to wanting it. Of course, that didn't fly and she wanted to know what things, but when I got all caught up in embarrassment and anxiety over it she relented. "Ok", she said, "you can write about it in your blog instead".

Actually, I think she said "the next time you write in your blog" but... it's hard.

But I did write about knifeplay. That's one of the things.

Figging is another. Sin at finding my submission just wrote a piece about it, and that inspired me to finally write this somewhat awkward post.

I like figging. And Mistress has done it to me, and she seemed very enthusiastic when she tried it, and she knows I love it. And then it just never happens, and with time the whole concept grows into an aching little thing in my heart and I shy away from any reminder of it. I don't want to think about or feel anything about it, because it hurts, and it makes me feel stupid.

I hate it when I want something she doesn't want. Often I can re-direct my wants to align with hers', and that makes the problem go away. But when I can't, or when I get mixed signals and can't really read what she wants, it hurts me. It makes me feel bad over being me, and I've yet to figure out anyway to deal with that in any constructive manner.

So yeah. Figging. I can write it here, reluctantly, but I can't say it out loud. I've said it to many times, from my perspective, and she knows it already.

Anything else? Well, anything to do with anal play, really. Something I like a lot, and she... likes sometimes. I think it's just to much bother most of the time, and she said once that when we're always in a hurry she likes to keep to the sure things, the things she knows can get us both off. And I get that, and it makes sense. I still can't bear to suggest any one thing more than once or twice though, no matter the circumstances. If I think she knows that I like something, I don't want to say it. I mean, she knows already. I can't give her any new information. 

Hmm... I seem to have a lending-fetish, I guess one can call it. This too she knows, and this I do talk about sometimes, because I don't have the feeling that she could have done it and has chosen not to. What with the kid and our very restricted social life the lack of opportunities are very evident. I don't have to think she's never done it (or seldom done it) because she doesn't want to. I still don't like the feeling that I'm nagging her, but yeah, it's one of those things I sometimes wish for.

I want to be lent out by her. I want to be used by other people. Not sexually necessarily, in the intercourse sort of way, it's really more the objectification-aspect of it all. I love to be openly hers when in company, because it makes it real to me in a way that makes me feel all kinds of good. I think this is mostly an extension of that. I want to be treated as an object, or as a submissive, by other people too.

She once, or maybe twice, have let someone other than her hold my leash in a club, and just thinking about that makes me tingly. Things like that. Being ordered around. Being made to submit. Being dominated openly in company. That's a fetish of mine, I think.

In fantasies, sure, sex plays a part, but being used sexually is not at the core of it. The core is being used, being seen as not-in-charge, being seen as hers more than an equal. I think it might be so simple as being seen as the person I really am, rather than the one society tells me to be.

Okay, that was all I think. It's mostly the figging-thing that's an issue. The rest is just as it is. I think the list is longer, probably, but this is what comes to my mind right now. I'll be an obedient slut and fill in missing pieces as they turn up.







 

4 comments:

  1. Oh, this reminds me of me so much. I have all kinds of fantasies going around in my head- things that we have done a little of but I want to do a lot more. I also don't want to ask for them all the time, it makes me feel like I'm trying to take over if I say let's do this, let's do that all the time.

    Not figging, I've never done that and don't know if I'd like it, but more being tied up, treated as a thing, an object, led around on a leash, those are very much things I like.

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  2. Yeah, I feel like that too. I need encouragement to feel comfortable saying what I'd like or what I'm thinking of. Blogging about if feels a little like cheating, but since Mistress is okay with it, I am too. :-)

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  3. Sounds like my life. :) Turns out my husband is totally like that - he just goes "hmmm," and sits on things. Possibly forever.

    And then the feeling of having nagged strikes, and the shame - oh the shame.

    BUT - I think we're past that stage of our relationship (she says cautiously :)) and on to the one where I just spout whatever comes into my head - or at least write about it on my blog for his perusal at his own leisure. :) Oh what a miraculous thing a blog is!

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  4. It's like a sneaky way of communicating. All the message, non of the nagging and shame. Worlds best thing!

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