I found it! And trust issues.

Last night in bed we discussed, again, our on-going conundrum, and  for once we solved something, even though it was late and we were tired. When we fell asleep, me collared and chained, and spooned in to her, laying on her arm as always, I was happier and calmer than I've been in a long time.

Which is kind of funny, considering that the conclusion we reached was that she's been right all along, and it's me that has to change.

We went over the last time we clashed, and when I described the emotions I was having at the moment when she got angry at how I was reacting to her, I realised that her anger and hurt actually was rather well proportioned to the feelings and thoughts I was having. Not to what I was doing, per se, but to my attitude. She's not a mind reader, I wouldn't say, but she's very perceptive, and knows me very well.

I was feeling abandoned. betrayed. I was feeling hurt, and furious at her sudden betrayal. And also, for some reason I still can't figure out, I was feeling very very humiliated, and not in the good way. In that moment, I can't honestly say that I was submitting to her, and even though I would probably have followed a direct order, that would have been out of pride and stubborness, not because I trusted her or deferred to her judgment. Because in that moment, that microsecund, I had no faith whatsoever in her judgment. Which I think is what she accurately read in my expression, and which is what infuriated and frustrated her.

And what had she done, to merit such strong emotions, such distrust? She had heard me getting stressed out over little S disturbing me when I was about to mop the floor, wanting to play with the soapy water and "help" cleaning, and she hastily hang up the phone on her mother and more or less ran the few meters from the living room to the hallway, where we were, to help me out. That's it.

Yes, honestly, that's it. I swear. That was what drove me in to fear ridden despair and mistrust.

I'm quirky like that.




I have a reason for it. Of course I do. I'm not insane. But in this regard, I do have a lot of work to do. The thing that scared me at that time, mostly, was her hanging up in my opinon too fast on her mother, and then the running. Her moving fast indoors almost always does this to me. I, in less then a second, heard these actions, and interpreted them as "Oh no! She's angry! She's irrational! I have to stop her!" and I went into full red alert.

There are, we discovered yesterday, a few areas where I've lost trust in her, and another few where I'm not inclined to trust in anyone. All other areas I'm fine. Sex I'm fine with. Food, money, how we take care of our apartment, studying, socialising, remote control - all hers. I have no problem with her controlling those.

But then there is the time she gets angry or stressed, and specifically moves fast, have a special look in her eyes, or acts out in anyway. She expresses anger much more freely than I'm comfortable with, and she's scared me in the past. It's not until we talked about it that I realised just how much she's scared me, and what I've learned from those times.

I have learned that I have to stop her. Somehow I've convinced myself that if I don't intervene, things will get progressively worse until all is lost - until she seriously hurt herself, me or little S, and then it will be all my fault for not stopping her in time. So any time she shown outwards sign of anger or distress, I have to step in and threaten her or showing her how much I hate it, so that she'll stop and it wont get worse.

The problem, the big problem, with these kind of things, is that they never get disproven. As long as I act every time it happens, I'll never know for sure what will happen if I don't. She'll never get a chance to prove me wrong. And, because that's how people are wired, every time I do it it gets a little bit worse, it takes a little less to set me off. I have somehow become phobic of her anger expressions, so that now even the tiniest amount, even the mere suggestion that something might be annoying to her, is enough to trigger my fight/flight-response and an overwhelming need to intervene - to lash out at her, to protect myself.

Actually, it was a relief to discover this - I haven't been aware of it until now. I've just done it, and rationalised it afterwards, telling both me and her that she's the bad one. But honestly, if all she needs to do to set me off is walking fast, I'm not so sure she's the one with problem. And she got the chance to remind me of a few things I haven't really included in my reasoning. Like that she lived a good, productive, non-violent life before me. That she would never ever do anything to hurt herself, me or little S, and that though she's really sorry she has scared me, none of the times that has happened has posed any real danger to anyone.

I think I'll simply have to reflect over wether or not I trust her - do I trust her, even in those areas where she has made mistakes before? Can I tolerate the possibility of her making mistakes again?

If not, we're in serious trouble, but better to be honest about it. If I can, I have to stop reacting on my anxieties, and handles things differently from now on.

On again/off again?

Again, inspiration from Fetlife. An Owner wrote about his slave being on again/off again in their O/p-dynamic, reacting very differently to his dominance at different times, including yelling abuse and rape at him. Actually, it sounded rather gruesome, and like a typical "you seriously need to talk to eachother about it" type of posting. But anyway. We're not quite that bad (I certainly hope) but something about it rang true for me.

Maybe that's how she sees it? As if I'm "on again/off again" regarding our dynamic? As if I sometimes submit and follow her, and then at other times seems to disregard her and not care the least what she think, says or does. That would make sense, in that it would at least explain to me why she's behaving the way she does. That instead of being angry with me when I misbehave, and punish me or at least tell me what I'm doing wrong, she acts hurt and emotionally upset, as if I've done something very hurtful and rejecting, something intentionally directed at her, almost like an insult.

The only reasonable guess I've so far come up with is that in her eyes, I have.

Bleerrgh.

The idea makes me wanna scream at the almighty Universe that I haven't done anything! I mean, obviously I have done something, I don't sit around glaring at the floor all day and even if I did that would still be doing something. But I've never meant to hurt her, or disrespect her, and I've certainly never ment not to submit to her, to belong to her. 

I do, however, glare at her. And sigh exasperatedly. And contradicts her at times. Sometimes I even tell her that's she's wrong, or what she's supposed to be doing, or ask her what she's doing and why in a snide voice. I can get very angry at times, even though I mostly just sigh and say nothing and well, I don't know, look angry. 

And yes, I know, listed here that certainly doesn't come off as a very humble or submissive behaviour. And it's not. But it's not anything else either. Its just my spontaneous reaction to how I perceive my environment. It's not me saying "I don't want to belong to you, I'm not going to do what you tell me, I'm not submitting to you". It's just me expressing anger or frustration or a different opinion in the best way I know how.

And I think the difference, one difference at least, between us is not only in the interpretation of my actions, but in the view of who's responsibles for them. In my view, I'm hers and obeying her, and that mean she can pretty much change any behaviour she doesn't like, by classic conditioning if nothing else. Give me a slap every time I glare, and I'll stop doing it. It's not a sign of any underlaying attitude or opinion, it's just a bad habit that can be trained away. But that's my perspective, and I'm slowly realising she doesn't seem to share that view.

She seems to think, instead, that it's my job to behave in submission to her if I want to belong to her. That she owns me and guides me, but that my submission is in essence voluntary, and if I don't behave accordingly, obviously I don't want it enough, and she interpret that as if I'm not as invested as her in the relationship. Or something. I haven't yet found that University course in telepathy I'm looking for, so I'm guessing this far. 

But it seems like that when I do any of these things I've listed, she interpret that as a fundamental unwillingness to submit to her, and react pretty reasonably from that interpretation with being pissed off, hurt and taking a step back, figuratively. Which I find incredibly hurtful and the worst possible punishment, and reacts accordingly. And hey ho, here we go again.

Somewhere in this process there's a stop button. It may be in me changing my behaviour by some sort of effort of will, it may be in her changing her interpretation of my action to allow her to help me by disciplining me, or maybe by me realising where she's coming from when she gets hurt and I feel rejected. Or all three, at different situations. It's there somewhere, in any case, and I'm determined to find it. I'm training to become a behaviour psychologist, godammit, I'm supposed to be good at this sort of things...

Merry go-around

Yesterday we did the same old tired dance we've done far too many times. Something got stressful. I snarked. She got hurt. This time, I tried to apologise really quickly, realising my mistake. Unfortunately, she, in my mind, kept on being angry and attacking me (in her mind, I realised later, rebuking me and being firm). I freaked out completely.

Yeah. 'Cause this is working so well.

Or, actually, it is. We are doing things differently, and even though we're not learning right away, today, I can see that we're still getting there. We are improving.

Yesterday, however, I had a full out meltdown, complete with "if she doesn't want me, I don't want it either" including total despair at that idea, and a lot of crying, arguing and telling her what she did or didn't do, so there! Because, in my mind, I was obviously abandoned, very hurt and grossly mistreated. I apologised, and she didn't accept it right away, and to me, that was intolerable.

Not intolerable in any bratty, uppity way, but literary. I couldn't tolerate it. I broke down, I had full blown panic. In my mind, the relationship was more or less ended in it's current form - she obviously didn't love me anymore, didn't want me or care for me, and I couldn't trust her. I had tried to apologise, that didn't work, so there was nothing I could do that would be right, and that idea felt like it was killing me.

You'd think, and you'd be right, that after seven years together, almost five married, and this pattern repeating itself over and over and over again, I would learn something. But I seem to be very, very slow regarding this. If I don't get full, immediate and complete respons, I shut down, feeling the rejection a thousand times in my heart and reacting to that projection as reality. And my mind makes a total spin, and everything is black.

That's rather problematic in itself, because this kind of panic and despair leaves me tired, drained, depressed even after we've solved the actual issue. Which, of course and unfortunately, makes it very easy for me both to snark again very soon, and be as panicky, or even more, if she gets angry and hurt again. Which she does. And on and on and on....

If I could write a wish list, she would simply skip over the "being hurt"-part and go directly to "my slut is misbehaving"-part, and help me not to be by disciplining me for it, without interpreting my actions as hurtful or rejection of her as a Mistress or a person. But unfortunately, she doesn't.

She does gets hurt. She doesn't feel like disciplining me when I behave like this, she feels like crying, if I understand her correctly. In her world, I reject her first by being rude and disrespectful, and I guess she figures that if I really wanted to belong to her I wouldn't be like that in the first place. She said in our recent argument that I'd looked at her as if I thought she was completely and utterly stupid, and that idea makes me cringe. I've never, ever thought anything like that - but that's what she sees when se looks in to my eyes. Ouch.

I wish she would simply train it out of me, like one does with dogs. She, on the other hand, thrives on my submission being genuine and authentic, coming from my own desire to submit to her, and has no interest in forcing me to submit. Training me, controlling me, guiding me, disciplining me when I have surrendered, that she does. But forcing me to it? Nope, that doesn't seems to be her kink.