I need to stop reading about "giving service" to my Owner. Or rather, reading about other people and their view that it's a necessary and integral part of being owned, of being a slave. I've read it to many times, and it's clinging to my mind like a burr. I don't like it.
The thing is, that the things that most submissive seems to describe that they do as "service" seems to be what most women in traditional heterosexual relationships do; have the main responsibility for the home and the kids, if there are any. Do the cleaning, do the laundry, plan the meals, shop for groceries, pick up around the house, clean the bathrooms, tend to the pets. Be the house-wife. More so, of course, if they stay at home and the partner is the provider, but it seems to hold true for those that work outside of the home too. "Giving service" seems to be an endless amount of housework.
And actually, I so wish I could do that. A not small part of me think I should do that. If not as her property, than as her wife and as a mother. I should do my half of all housework, and as the submissive partner, I ought to do even more.
But I can't.
What I can do, what I have done the last year or so, is try. Try try and try again. Make every effort to keep it all together, to take initiative, to remember routines, to get off the couch and do things in time, before she does them; I can try to make myself do the vacuuming, or write a grocery list, or pick up my clothes from the floor. I can try, and I do try.
Unfortunately, the actual end result is very very modest. Not very much vacuuming gets done. The clothes mostly stays on the floor. The grocery list stays half written, and the washing machine stays half full, with the dishes still on the kitchen table.
For the longest time, I've believed all of those around me that want to tell me that it's a matter of effort, of will, of ambition, or maybe of lazyness. That if I only try a little harder, of course I could do all those things. But I don't believe that any more.
I'm depressed now. I need to find what things in my life takes energy from me, and what refills my supplies. And the idea that I ought to do a lot of things that my peers do with little effort even though it's very very hard for me, is one of those things that takes energy. And so I have to ditch it.
Mistress reminded me that it is me she choose. "I could have been dating T." she said, and yes, she could. He's a good guy, no doubt, but rather boring, even though he showed good taste once upon a time and flirted with Mistress. Yes, she could have hooked up with him and had a normal, ordered, boring life with a man that definitely is better at vacuuming and cooking than I am. But she didn't, she choose me.
"And I love it when you do stuff" she told me, and reminded me of the flowers I got for our patio. For how I always go all in when I clean the bathroom. She told me that she likes my crazy projects, all the little things I do that makes our life together better, funnier, more interesting. No, I can't keep a routine for the life of me, and get sick when I try to hard. But I still do valuable things for our family. Just not the classical house-wifey stuff.
We made a pact. I promised to never roll my eyes or sigh or look grumpy when she tells me to pick clothes up from the floor or start the dishwasher. And she promised to never roll her eyes or sigh or look grumpy when I don't do anything like that if she doesn't tell me to. Because it's not doing them that is the problem. It's the actual "get off the couch and do them now" that is ridiculously hard for me to do.
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