Stress test of the brain

My brain is broken. Or maybe in the process of breaking. Or maybe just a bit tarnished. Whether or not the damage is longlasting still remains to be seen - as it is now, we're experimenting with how much pressure it can take and what interesting things it does in the meantime.

I've started my summerjob. It's not a bad job at all, and not a lot either - this week there's only two day-shifts for me. Between them I have plenty of time to sit around recuperating. Unfortunately, that's not enough.

I have anxiety attacks. I have trouble sleeping. I'm deadly tired. My head feels constantly as if I'm stepping out from a five-hour lecture, without coffee breaks. That was about math. Sadly enough, it feels like that when I wake up. If I'm forced to make decisions, I panic, and everything I hear starts to hurt, and I can't stand looking at things, so I close my eyes.

"Don't close your eyes, mommy!" my little kid says. And I stumble like a zombie to the bed and want to be buried and never resurface, because everything hurts so much. And I'm feeling the depression taking hold again, and I'm fighting it, but I'm steadily losing.

This is pretty much what I thought would happen when I started working. I'm not sure if Mistress really believed me, but I do know it was a calculated risk from her side. "Suffer for me", she says, and makes me go anyway.

And I go, and I work, and I'm great at it (because that's not the problem) and I suffer and I feel my brain cracking up. For her. For her, I dare to do this. For her, I take this risk, with my health and my future, and my mental state. Because I trust her. Because she says this is the way forward. Because she's convinced me that she knows enough about how I feel and how I function to be able to make informed decisions, and this is her decision. And also, I do it for her because I belong to her, and I obey her, and she tells me to do it.

But getting up at six in the morning and driving to work tomorrow will probably be the single most risky, most painful and most difficult thing I've ever done for her. 

(Next week, I have a doctors appointment. She wants me to do my shifts until then in order for the doc to be able to see me as I am when I actually do try to function, so that he can make a realistic diagnoses, and not only see me as I am when I get to rest all day. This make perfectly logical sense. It just hurts a lot, and scares the shit out of me. I prefer my brain functioning, thank you very much.)