Strengths, weaknesses and forgiveness

One of my main problems is that the responsibilities of a relatively poor thirty-something mother to a small child requires a skill-set is utterly unsuited to my strength and abilities. Kids and homes need structure, routine, predictability, order, the same things done at specific times at an even speed throughout the day. It's all about remembering time, keeping track of schedules, finding things, keeping things in order, focusing on several things at once, sorting information and keeping your calm.

I suck at all those things.

And since this is the work load I've got, I go through my days feeling constantly inadequate, with a never ending nagging feeling of not being good enough, of letting down my kid, and even worse, of letting down Mistress. I can't seem to shed the idea that she will look at me with disdain and cast me aside, seeing me unworthy as a partner and as a slave, since I'm so bad at the things I'm supposed by the circumstances and society to be doing.

And, since I spend a lot of times doing things I'm inherently bad at, I lose focus of the things I'm actually good at. I mean, I'm not useless. I just have some areas that I'm unusally weak at. But I also have some amazing strengths.

I'm full of life and laughter and fantasy. I'm imaginative and a good story-teller and an excellent mingler. I'm good at making friends and making people feel appreciated and at ease. I'm a good people person. I read very fast, and I learn very fast, and I have an intuitive nack for grokking systems, I can understand very complex things at a glance. I'm practical too, I'm good at carpentry and gardening and sewing and constructing things, and I'm good with animals. I'm physically strong, I can lift heavy things and work hard. I can take care of myself.

Actually, I'm good at almost everything that doesn't include paperwork, administration, order, routine, keeping an even speed at work or doing boring stuff for a long time.

I've been trying my hardest for the last year to be something that I'm not. To live up to a role, that of a classic mother and housewife, that is extremely illsuited for me. I've done this in part because I've thought it is what Mistress demandes of me. Because I thought that what she most needed was an equal partner in the house, or even more, a housewife, someone to take care of her home and her kid. I wanted to be that.

But what it got us was me being sick. In the end, I succumbed to exhaustion and eventually depression. I can't do it. Not that I don't want to, or am afraid to try it, what happened was that I broke down trying.

I have to rearrange my everyday life to get better and to stay better. I have to seek out and spend time at things that gives me energy and self-esteem, and accept and forgive myself for not being good at the things I'm weak at.

We've talked about it, and the thing is that Mistress has made it very clear that 1) she knew this about me since she met me fifteen years ago 2) she doesn't mind covering for my weak sides and complement my weaknesses with her strengths and 3) as long as I am myself I can't fail. She will never ever tire of me, abandon me or despise me, and I believe her.

And to her, she much prefer having a healthy slave that she has to tell to do the vacuuming and empty the dishwasher, to having a depressed, exhausted one who really really tries to remember but still forgets...

So right now, I'm scratching my creative writing itch by blogging, while she's busy playing with little S, much as she has all day. And I wish it was the other way around, but right now, I'm focusing on getting better, and instead of beating myself up about being a lousy slave, wife and mother I'm full of gratitude for the things she does for me, and proud of myself for taking care of me and making constructive choices in order to get better.

I'm never going to be a good housewife. But that doesn't mean I can't be a valuable partner, a good property and a good enough mother. But I do need to focus on my strength and allowing myself to do the things that comes naturally to me and is easy for me, instead of beating myself bloody over things that is near-impossible.

And yes, if I was a single mother, I would've been in debt, living in filth, having a child with dirty clothes that ate things out of boxes most days. Or, perhaps, getting help from society in various forms. That's my reality. That doesn't make me less valuable as a human, though, and since I'm blessed with a fantastic partner, our home is clean and our child is healthy and we have enough money. I just have to forgive myself for not being the one that makes it happen.