A snowy walk

We were going out for a walk after breakfast this morning, Mistress and me, with the dog and with little S in her plastic sledge. But when we were trying to get dressed, something went wrong. Suddenly, Mistress was pissed off and hectic, oozing irritation and frustration all over the place. I had no idea what had happened, and honestly hid upstairs with a happily playing little S for a while. The I poked my head down the stairs and tentatively asked if it was "safe to come down". Mistress' answer was definitely contra-indicating, but somehow, we all managed to get our warm clothes on. When Mistress and little S was outside, Mistress offered me the alternative to stay at home, and I said something grumpily that I wanted to come but that I wanted her to behave herself. She made no promises.

And so it continued. Mistress was seriously pissed off, I got more and more anxious, and the heavy weight in my stomach grew. Little S kept up a one person-choir for a while, but when she was met with stony silence, she lost her good temper too. After a while I couldn't take it any more, and when Mistress in an effort to sing with little S instead growled the words, I stopped dead in my tracks and said "This is not okay! Please stop being like this." I tried to hand her the rope to the sledge and said."I don't want to keep going. This is not okay. I want to go back.".

At first, Mistress didn't answer, and then she said "I know this was STUPID, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid..." in that horrible, strangled voice she has when she gets like that. I refused to move and kept holding the rope out to her. "I want to go back." "No" she said, "keep going. I want us to continue." And therefore, we did.

If she hadn't said that, I would have gone home alone and she would have taken little S to the store. It would have worked out. She would have calmed down, eventually, and I would have forgiven her and gotten over it, after a while. I hate it when she gets like that, I hate that I can't predict it, that I can't protect myself, that it scares me and that I think it makes little S world more unpredictable than it should have to be. And most of all, I hate that I never have any idea what brought it on. It's like at these occasions, we live in different worlds, and I miss her.

But this time, she didn't let me leave. And we talked. Quietly, in front of the sledge, with a firm grip on the dogs leash. And she finally told me that it was little S complaining over stomach ache that set her off, that she had a catastrophic view of sickness and disease in her mind, and that it was fighting this off that made her crazy and strange. And she listened to me, and eventually came back to the here-and-now, to us walking as a happy family through the snow on a beautiful Saturday morning. She accepted the catastrophic view, somehow, and could let it be and still be with us.

And then, after we kissed, we knelt by little S in the sledge, were she sat and looked at us with tired, sad eyes. And I asked it it felt bad for her when her moms argued, and she nodded her head, and we kissed her face and said that it was over now, we had made up, and everybody was okay again. And then we all started singing.

We had a great walk, actually. We ran with little S in the sledge, and after a while we tied the dog to it, since we had him in a harness anyway. And before long we were shopping candy in the store and  walking all the way back again, singing and running and playing.

I wish Mistress never got like that. But since that ain't happening (at least anytime soon) I'm glad we're getting better at dealing with it. I'm glad I didn't explode, and I'm glad she didn't let me go, and I'm glad she talked to me and came back to me. And I'm very glad we could make it a nice morning walk for little S.