We had an interesting talk yesterday. We had finally gotten into bed at night, after Mistress had started answering work emails after brushing her teeth. I waited for her with a book on the sofa while she worked, and when I realised I was really tired I meekly asked her if it wasn't time for bed soon. She agreed and shut down the computer and we crawled in to bed. But then she commented on the fact that she'd started working late in the evening, and mentioned that I'd been sitting there and seemed to have had a good time too, or something similar.
And that made me freak.
Not that bad of a freaking, actually, I got a bad feeling in my stomach and a lingering panic, but I didn't do or say anything disrespectful or hasty. We explored together what it was that had made me uncomfortable, and after a while I realised it was mostly that the idea that she thought everything was "okay" with me (in the sense that I agreed on her decision to start working late at night) made me feel responsible for her.
Like if I didn't like it I should make sure to let her know that. While on the other hand she really doesn't want that from me, and I was going in the other direction - dutifully trying to accept Mistress' decision and doing the best of the situation instead of trying to control it or sway her in one way or another.
She admitted that yes, if I had seemed genuinely distressed she would have stopped, for my sake, because she didn't want me to suffer over it. But that wouldn't have been what she wanted. She reassured me that she had loved to be able to write those email without worrying about me, and that I had no responsibility whatsoever for whether she did it or not.
Somehow this made everything okay for me again. I wasn't responsible for her. She wasn't looking to me for approval. I didn't have a duty to her to approve or disapprove of her actions.
And the most important thing was something she said at the end of the conversation: "This time you did make my life easier."
It's something I've said that I don't do. Warmer, nicer, more loving, more interesting, more meaningful, yes, all of those, but not easier. I often perceive myself as a lot of work for Mistress, like a loved but somewhat annoying pet. I would dearly love to be of service, to be able to lighten her load, to be able to do just that - make her life easier. It's just that I know that I often isn't even close, and I'm okay with that. I know she loves me for me. But still. This one time I obviously did just that. And it feels so so good.
No comments:
Post a Comment