A reflection about punishment

I just got to think about punishment. We do have "punishment dynamic", that is, Mistress punishes me if I break a rule. And I like that. I need that.

It's rather light punishments, though. Nothing compared to the things she does to me in play. It's more of a correction, a symbolic act, unpleasent but not excrucating. It's usually a slap to my face, of varying harshness, or maybe two or three. Sometimes it's something else, but she rarely hurts me.

I think part of it is making things clear for me. I don't have to worry, because if she doesn't like something she lets me know, first by setting up a rule about it and then by enforcing that rule. It usually takes me four or five times before I start doing things right - in some ways, I'm a slow learner. If she didn't punish me, I would feel bad and still keep doing it wrong, that would be way worse.

But then again, if she uses harsh punishment, things that in itself would make me sorry I misbehaved, if she used severe beatings or humiliation, it would take energy from me. I don't have that to spare, and neither does she. She doesn't want me to suffer or feel bad about myself, she just wants me to behave and obey her. Beat me up she can do in better ways than as punishment.

I fantasize about it though, sometimes. About harsh punishment, about torment and torture. But I think for me there's a problem with combining that type of activities with for-real failures on my part. It hurts my self-esteem, and makes my life harder, and I really don't need that. I'm glad she saves the torment and torture for the times when she simply wants to do such things to me, and not for when I've messed up.