Responsibility

As I mentioned earlier, I was involved in a discussion about responsibility, were I most of all realised that I was rather alone in my view of it. "Slaves must be responsible!" and "I get punished if I don't do what I'm supposed to, so I'm definitely responsible" was the gist of the answers.

For me, that's not how it works. I was also told several times that I meant something else than I did, that I meant authority maybe, or something else, not responsibility. But I meant exactly what I wrote (I honestly don't think the Swedish word "ansvar" and the English word "responsibility" is that far apart, the translation is rather straight forward).

The point, for me, is that Mistress stands between me and the rest of reality in a lot of cases. She has not only the power and the authority but the direct control. If I'm bad at something or isn't performing as I'm supposed to, she doesn't let me fail. She steps in and handles it, gives me whatever help and guidance I need, or rearrange the situation so that I don't have to deal with it. In either way the end result is that the real life consequences doesn't happen.

I might very well get a painful correction. But that's not the same thing as me being responsible, because that is not the real life consequences of the action. If I don't water the flowers and that's important to her, she will talk to me, motivate me, control me, correct me, punish me, remind me or whatever else she needs to do to get me to water them. She will not watch me fail and let me live with the consequence of her flowers being dead and her being disappointed.

Yesterday I wanted an egg to my coffee, put it on the stove, forgot about it and left the home. When I returned home my egg was a black mess and the apartment stank of burnt egg. When Mistress heard about it, she didn't say much, but the next morning she boiled me an egg. So that I wouldn't have to do it again.

When I forgot my meds the other morning, for the first time since I started taking them a couple of months ago, her reaction was pity, and then saying "it was a really stressfull morning - I'm sorry I didn't remind you to take them!".

And so on and so forth. I don't usually run the risk of failure, and that is what makes me feel not responsible. She will not let me fail - she will help me and make sure I can do what she wants me to do, because that's how she is. 

I don't have to worry about failing, not in life and not to her, because I'm hers and she wont let me. I might have to worry about a slap or a spanking, or stricter rules, but that's something completely different. In my situation being accountable to her is exactly why I'm not responsible for most things in my life.

(I used to be. I've let go of one thing at a time, the last bits I think was my relationship with my parents, my school work and parenting. Not until I could stand the idea of failing, of that belonging to her was more important to me than doing the right things, could I give those up. When I finally did, it was with a feeling of great relief. I have setbacks sometimes, and that always starts an argument and gets me in trouble. But usually I'm a good girl and doesn't make a fuss about it.)